How to Save $8.99

by Hamilton Nolan

My most recent jaunt to the movie theater was plagued by an all too familiar problem. When I stepped up to the snack bar to buy some delicious popcorn, I saw the prices and promptly lost my appetite. A “medium” popcorn cost $8.99. Eight ninety-nine? For a modest bag of corn? I was forced to choose between enduring a movie without a snack and compromising my financial integrity. Though I’m not a gambling man, I’ll wager that many of you have felt the sting of the very same predicament. 

Here’s the good news: It doesn’t have to be this way. You can fight back against popcorn extortion. All it takes is a little bit of planning, and a whole lot of love for Hollywood’s magic and an accompanying desire to see that the full experience of that magic—which includes eating popcorn—is available to people of all income levels. 

Most movie theaters will tell you that you’re not “allowed” to bring in your own snacks. Some even search your bags. Don’t let this outrageous carceral atmosphere dissuade you. In fact, my methods for affordable popcorn consumption are expressly designed to thwart such Gestapo tactics. 

First, pop up your popcorn at home. I like to pop it in a big pan with a little oil. Don’t forget the butter! Thirty seconds in the microwave is all you need for a good melt. Pour it over the top, shake it all together with a little salt and pepper, and your snack is ready. 

Would that my instructions could stop here. That’s a world we hope to achieve one day. Alas, that was the easy part. Next, you’ll need about thirty square yards of strong but lightweight polyurethane fabric. Canvas of the sort that ship’s sails are made can be substituted in a pinch. Lie down on your fabric sheet and trace an outline of your body. Now, move over a little bit, and trace another outline. Now do it again. And one more time. Cut out all four. Take two of them and lay them on top of one another so that the contours match, and sew them together on one side. Leave the other side open so that you can slide inside. Now you have a sort of “cloak” in the shape of a coverall that fits neatly over your unique figure. Now lay the other two outlines atop one another and repeat the procedure, giving you two matching fabric coveralls. 

Cut off the hands and the feet of both pairs of coveralls. Slide inside of the first pair so that you are wearing it with your hands and feet sticking out, looking normal. Then slide inside the second pair of coveralls, so that it rests atop the first. With a thread and needle, sew the edges of the top and bottom coveralls all the way around, leaving only a footlong gap along the neckline open. 

Now, separate the edges of the coveralls as widely as you can along that neck entrance. Then, slowly pour the popcorn that you made down into the opening, pausing frequently to blouse out the space inside the coveralls by waving it up and down in the air in the same manner you would use to snap a pillowcase down and fill it with air. This will ensure that the two levels of coverall don’t stick together due to static electricity. The separation of the top and bottom level will provide a space for the popcorn to slide all the way down, filling in the leg area of your coverall suit, and then stacking all the way up the thighs and abdomen until the suit is full to the neck. 

When that is done, simply don the coverall as you would a suit of armor, then pull your normal clothes on over it. Trying not to make any extreme movements in a way that would cause your corn suit to rustle suspiciously, purchase your movie ticket, walk stiffly to the theater, and take your seat in an inconspicuous, lightly trafficked area. Reach down into your suit’s neck opening, pluck out your perfect popcorn, and enjoy. If your constant pawing at your neck area attracts unwanted attention, you can instead begin tightly rolling up your suit from the ankles, which will push the popcorn upwards until it emerges from your neck opening like a toothpaste tube being squeezed from the bottom. 

Testing indicates that the length of time that passes between the initial preparation of your popcorn and the time when it is properly loaded into the fully assembled suit may be several hours or more. If you find that this delay causes the popcorn to lose a disappointing amount of heat, don’t despair. Purchase a small space heater with a fan. During an initial “exploratory” visit to the movie theater, sneak in the space heater (this may require a modest bribe to one or more theater employees) and stash it securely in the bathroom ceiling tiles, where it’s unlikely to be found. Mark down the exact location in a notebook. Then, on your next trip, wear your fully loaded corn suit as described above. Don’t forget three extra items: an extension cord, a small razor, and a length of flexible plastic tubing. Retrieve the space heater, take your seat, and plug the heater in using the extension cord. Using the razor, slice open the sewed seams of your suit at the ankles. Attach one end of the tube to the space heater’s heat vent, and thread the other into the ankle opening you just created. The hot air will enter at your ankle and rise all the way up to the neck opening of your suit, heating all the popcorn inside along the way. You’ll find that this produces a corn temperature equal to or better than that of the movie theater’s own popcorn heat lamps. If the constant stream of hot air blowing upwards into your face becomes distracting, a piece of stiff cardboard wedged into the coverall’s neck opening can serve as a simple but effective deflector shield. Sitting in the farthest chair in a row will allow you to channel the hot air harmlessly toward the theater’s cloth-covered wall, where it will be absorbed without bothering any fellow patrons. 

A penny saved is a penny earned—and that goes even more for eight hundred and ninety nine of them. 

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