The Made-Up Names From Scammers Calling Me About Supposed Loan Offers, Ranked
by Miles Klee
Every day, somebody tries to scam me. Often it happens more than once a day. I fell for a scam recently by clicking through on a party e-vite and obliviously entering my Gmail password. While my account was temporarily hacked, it sent out the same e-vite to everyone I have ever contacted. Humiliating! It never ends! Will we never have a presidential candidate who promises to crack down on these fraudsters?
But the scam I encounter most often comes in the form of pestering phone calls from unrecognized numbers. When I don’t pick up, the person leaves a voicemail with the premise that I have previously spoken to them about taking out a personal loan. They explain that they can approve me for a sizable sum—it ranges from $20,000 to $80,000—at such-and-such interest rate and blah, blah, blah. I don’t know where the scam goes from there, as I’ve thankfully yet to bite, so I’m not sure how the whole thing works.
Maybe this is happening to you, too. In which case I strongly advise finding some amusement, at least, in the fake names the scammers give in their messages. Here’s a ranking of the last ten to clog up my voicemail inbox, applying the hard science of normative determinism.
10. Paul Johnson
So bureaucratically gray and boring. There must be 20,000 boomers named Paul Johnson in the United States, and sure, some of them are probably in the loan business. But this is like a placeholder in your screenplay about white-collar office drones—the same way the boss in an improv comedy business scene always ends up saying “Get me the Johnson file” or whatever. Tired, unoriginal, Protestant-coded. Lose it!
9. Catherine Jones
Only a slight improvement here. For whatever reason, sounds like an aunt. But I have the nagging sensation that rather than a personal loan officer, Catherine Jones works as an accountant at H&R Block, and is specifically the kind of patient woman who remains cool under pressure when an artsy couple comes in on April 14 with a dozen types of freelance income between them and no idea how you’re supposed to file federally if you’re registered domestic partners. Not that I have any experience with this!
8. Grace Williams
Hmm. A country singer who decided to hang up her acoustic guitar for a career in financial services? Southern belle trying to scrape enough money together for daddy’s heart procedure? Baby, this business ain’t for you. Check out veterinary technician school.
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