The Time Has Come at Last to Cover the Earth

by Emily Flake

Friends, the news is dire. The planet is beset with existential threats from many quarters: A climate on the brink of collapse. Endless, intractable war. The baffling fecundity of Hilaria Baldwin. Truly, no one would blame you for falling into despair. 

But we here at Sherwin-Williams are here to help, and we hope you’ll forgive us if we point out that we’ve been saying this for years: it’s time to COVER THE EARTH.

Perhaps you’re familiar with our logo, or as we like to call it, the Vision: a can of high-quality, richly colored paint, flowing luxuriously over the dirty, mottled globe, coating it in scarlet glory. We are fully prepared and excited for this vision to become a reality. 

The planet-wide coat of paint will stop all armed conflict cold. Our thick, colorfast exterior paint traps weapons easily, rendering them immobile, and thus harmless. It will also trap anything that can spread illness and plague, such as humans, and their disgusting cootie-ridden breath. N95s got nothing on our distinctive Heritage Red!

You may be wondering how covering the earth in paint will solve the climate crisis. To that, we reply: No climate, no crisis! No longer will the planet be buffeted by wind and rain, instead spending the remainder of its days as a serene, unchanging ball of pure, non-flaking pigment. 

How will we do it, you ask? Well, as any homeowner knows—no matter the scale of your project—the most important step in any paint job is preparation. Our first step will be to scour and sand smooth all the land masses and islands, even the fiddly little ones out in the South Pacific. Then we’ll seal the oceans and other waterways, ensuring a smooth surface free of mold and water damage. The next step is to apply primer to the entire face of the planet—we recommend KILZ, which should take care of of any errant germs, odors, or Hilaria Baldwins that remain.

Only then will be time, at last, to take out the Giant Can from its hiding place inside the moon, pry off the top, and transform the misnamed Blue Marble (really an unreliable patchwork of blue, green, white, and brown, just an incoherent color story) into a glossy, triumphant red orb, visible for light-years around, should any sentient eye chance to perceive it.

And that’s important for the good of the galaxy—a ruined planet left unpainted simply invites trouble, breeding only vicious, chaotic forms of life. Beyond the beauty of the paint itself, the red hue sends an unequivocal message that this planet has been boogered up beyond repair, and that intelligent life forms would do well to avoid it.  

And don’t worry, we’re old hands at this. Sherwin-Williams has been a trusted name for much longer than you think, and if you’re looking for a comp project, well—I believe the work we did on Mars speaks for itself. 

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