Rustic retreat / Soft, savory treat

Today: Hamilton Nolan, author of the newsletter How Things Work, and the book The Hammer: Power, Inequality, and the Struggle for the Soul of Labor; and Laurie Woolever, author of Appetites, World Travel, and Bourdain: the Definitive Oral Biography.

Issue No. 174

If I Was in the Woods
Hamilton Nolan

Party All the Time Sandwiches
Laurie Woolever

If I Was in the Woods

by Hamilton Nolan

The biggest mistake that a lot of people make in the woods is to panic. If I was in the woods, I wouldn’t do that. I would remain calm. 

If I was in the woods, I wouldn’t view it as a “scary” or threatening experience. Instead I would see it as a chance to commune with nature. In a sense, nature is my church, and a tree is my cathedral, and a bird is my preacher, and the dirt are my pews. 

If I was in the woods, the first thing I would do would be to build a shelter. It would have a gracious anteroom opening into a cozy living area with a fireplace made of stones and dried mud. Upon my hearth would sit a bubbling cooking pot full of stew that tasted of the forest’s bounty. An impregnable thatched roof would keep me safe from storms. If anyone lost in the woods wandered to my door, I would give them shelter. But if they tried to enter by force, I would kill them. 

If I was in the woods, I would use my skills to survive. The first step is to be honest about my strengths and weaknesses. What skills do I lack? Shelter building, foraging, fishing, hunting, finding water, knowing plants, how to make weapons. What skills do I possess? I’m good at skipping rocks and if the water is nice and flat I can often skip them six or even eight times. Out in the woods, I would use the barter system to obtain the things I need. One day, I would trade a rock skipping lesson for a hut. The next day, I would trade a rock skipping lesson for a fish, and part of the deal would be they would gut the fish and cook it, because I’m not good at that. The next day I would trade a rock skipping lesson for a crude but effective bow and arrow. Once I had that I could use it to steal whatever else I need.