Turgid prose
Today: Anna Merlan, author of REPUBLIC OF LIES: American Conspiracy Theorists and Their Surprising Rise to Power.
Issue No. 245
What Was the Horny Profile?
Anna Merlan
What Was the Horny Profile?
by Anna Merlan
Once upon a time, in the dark days of the early 2000s, we were beset on all sides by horny profiles. This was a replicable genre, wherein a writer—usually, but not always a man, met a subject—usually, but not always, a woman, often a model or an actress—and spent the entire time with his tongue unrolling like a Tex Avery cartoon wolf, his eyes bugging out of his head, and his lust so unrestrained that he began to compulsively mix his metaphors, purple his prose and expand his word count beyond all bounds of taste or readability. These profiles were badly written, they needed a cold shower, and there were so many of them.
The horny profile is now, mercifully, a mostly-dead genre, something that withered along with the popularity and influence of men’s magazines. But to re-read the horniest of them is to consider what function they once served, and to guard ourselves, as if against an infectious disease—an STI, if you really want to belabor the point—against their recurrence.
How Horny Were They?
If you’re younger than, say, 30, you may not remember just how bizarrely, relentlessly lecherous things could get back then. Female celebrities of the early and mid-2000s were routinely objectified in ways that would be considered untouchably creepy now. Young pop stars wore rings pledging to remain virgins until marriage, sparking incessant speculation as to their resolve. Jokes were made about counting down until their 18th birthdays. Their bodies were dissected endlessly. Perez Hilton drew dicks and cum on their faces (and every woman’s face, basically). Jessica Simpson was heckled constantly in the tabloids for being “fat” when she looked like this.
Keep us breathing fire!
For $3/month you can read this whole post and get our weekdaily newsletter too!